Don't Let Me Fall Page 9

  I don’t remember going up to Logan’s room or sitting on his bed, or staring out of the window, but here I am. It’s a good thing the windows don’t open more than five inches. I can’t jump or anything.

  Kelsey texted me a few times and I just told her I’m staying with Aimee. She was excited that I’m making a real friend. Sleepovers mean everything to a fourteen-year-old.

  So what does staying at Logan’s mean?

  Logan’s sitting at his desk, fifteen inches away from me so when I heard the toilet flush, my eyebrows furrowed.

  “Roommate,” he said pointing at the bathroom door with a pen.

  Right. Every dorm shares a bathroom with another person. It’s kind of nice. You have a small dorm room that no one can sneak into unless they come in from the bathroom.

  Then the bathroom door opened...

  ...and Darren walked in.

  He stopped short when his eyes landed on me then Logan. I didn’t know Darren is his roommate. Now I get why Aimee told me to go with him instead of Keller. Kevin. Whatever.

  “Now this is a surprise,” Darren said leaning against the doorframe. “I was just coming in to see if you wanted to go out later and find some nice girls to bring back. Looks like you already did.”

  “It’s not what it looks like,” Logan said scratching the back of his head.

  I curled my legs into my chest and dropped my head on my knees, staring out at the window again.

  “Kevin do something?” Darren asked.

  When Logan didn’t answer, I realized he was talking to me. I don’t want to talk about Kevin. I wrapped my arms around my legs even tighter and closed my eyes. The shaking is back. The thoughts are back. Shit.

  “So...” Darren said climbing on the bed. “You never texted me.” Stop talking. Stop talking. “I could have died because you’re a bad nurse.”

  “Darren,” Logan warned.

  “Logan is no fun,” Darren said touching my knee. “Come over to my room. I have alcohol. I promise not to do anything.”

  I laughed and turned my head to look at him. He was exactly how I pictured; holding his chest in mock hurt.

  “What kind of alcohol?” I asked.

  “Just bring it in here,” Logan said leaning back in his chair. “I don’t trust you with her.” Am I for sale? Rent? Did I magically turn into a dog and Logan became my owner?

  Darren looked at me. “I wouldn’t trust myself either,” he said winking. I rolled my eyes and Darren got off the bed.

  “I’m not sleeping with him,” I said once Darren left.

  “Didn’t think you would,” Logan said.

  “I’m not sleeping with you either.”

  Logan didn’t say anything so I glanced at him. The prick is smirking at me. And his eyes are challenging me.

  “I’m not,” I clarified.

  He just nodded and closed his laptop.

  Darren walked back in and handed me a bottle of vodka as he and Logan drank beer. These two drink like there’s no tomorrow but they don’t get drunk. It’s actually refreshing not to be around drunk horny college guys.

  I stopped having bad thoughts.

  I guess the alcohol numbed it away for now.

  Aimee and Caleb crashed the party, bringing food and more drinks and then we just ended up crashing at Logan’s dorm watching Netflix movies.

  Aimee and Caleb left to have more wild sex before Caleb heads back home which is twenty minutes away. He’s staying at an apartment with some college buddies of his. I have a feeling it’s because Aimee lives here and she’s single. He’s taking advantage of the alone time.

  Darren left a few minutes later, making it clear that he lives right next door if I get lonely. I couldn’t help but feel some joy at that. He’s a nice guy. I wish I wasn’t so fucked up because then I might have given him a chance.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Logan asked sitting across the bed from me. We’re sharing a bag of chips and I don’t want to be near him so I chose the foot of the bed and he has the top.

  “You just did,” I said grabbing a chip.

  “Why don’t you sleep with people when you know their name?” My eyes found his and I wanted to slap him. Why is he digging around the bush? Just fucking shake the bitch and ask the shit you want to ask. I gave him a look and he raised an eyebrow at me.

  “Do you want to have sex with me?” I asked. “Because if you do then we’ll do it.” I might freak out like the last time I tried to do that and then he’ll understand. God, I can’t forget how Jonathon looked at me. Those green eyes were wide and terrified. He was some guy I went to high school with. I was lonely and suicidal so instead of trying to off myself, I texted him. One of the worst mistakes of my life. I went over to his parents’ place and things started getting pretty hot until he slipped his fingers under my jeans. I started to panic and left. I looked over my shoulder as I ran out of his room and he looked at me like I was an escaped wild animal.

  “You said we wouldn’t because you know my name.”

  No shit.

  I licked my fingers, wiped them then sighed. After this, he’ll leave me alone. Guys are the same. They just want you for sex. And I’m a lonely girl. I use them for sex too.

  I got on my knees, grabbed the bag of chips and tossed it onto his desk as I crawled my way up to him. He was about to say something when I crashed my lips against his.

  I don’t want him to talk.

  I don’t want him to look at me.

  I don’t want him to want to have sex with me.

  I thought Logan would rip my clothes off or get right to fucking but he didn’t. He held me tight against him as he sat up and moved us backwards. My back hit the bed slowly and his mouth devoured mine.

  That’s all we did.

  We kissed like if we stopped, we’d run out of breath. Which doesn’t make any sense but right now it does.

  Who knows how long we stayed like this until my fingers pulled at his shirt. It’s nice kissing him. It feels…I can’t describe it but my body likes it. I don’t know when the last time I felt like this was from just kissing someone.

  Logan pulled his shirt off and my eyes landed on his toned abs. Fuck, you can stare at them all day and never get bored. Then my eyes landed on a tiny black mark hiding under the waistband of his boxer briefs. I pulled his jeans down a bit and the boxers went with it.

  “You have a tattoo?” I asked fingering the small dragon with tiny blots of color around it. Some girls might laugh at this and call him feminine but I love tattoos. And he has the body to pull this off.

  My eyes found his again.

  “I have more than what people see,” I said.

  His eyes seemed to glow bluer as he smiled.

  “Are you going to show me or do I have to look for myself?” he asked. I wanted to roll my eyes and tell him to do whatever the fuck he wants but when his eyes held mine longer than they should have, I smiled. And blushed.

  What the fuck is wrong with me?

  I seriously think I’m bipolar. That’s the only thing that makes sense but the doctors already told me that isn’t it.

  I’m just a big fucking mystery.

  A really fucked up mystery.

  I pulled my sweater and shirt off and fell back onto the bed as Logan’s eyes took me in. I wanted to crawl under a blanket because of the way his eyes are lingering on all the tattoos, all the perfect lines, the colors, the shapes.

  His finger trailed down my body slowly until he pulled my jeans lower, revealing my hip. His eyes met mine, full of lust as he licked his lips.

  “Please tell me that means exactly what I think it means,” Logan breathed. I nodded. I wouldn’t get harder for any other reason. “God, you are so fucking beautiful.”

  That’s a first.

  Beautiful.

  Everyone always says sexy then gets to the action.

  Logan leaned into me and his mouth found mine again as he unbuttoned my jeans. I have a feeling he’s going really slow because he wants
to know I want this. Or maybe he’s giving me time to not think bad thoughts and instead break down every detail of what he’s doing to me.

  Like nibbling on my bottom lip as he moves his way to my neck. The soft sucking on my skin. His fingers brushing against my body as he slides my jeans off. The way he feels pressed against me when he pushed himself in-between my legs.

  He still has his jeans on but at any moment, he’s going to burst through them. I don’t know why he’s taking so long. Why doesn’t he get naked already?

  Why do I care?

  His fingers crawled around my body to unclasp my bra. They’re warm and soft. Electrifying. He’s making chills run down my spine as his fingers keep touching me. Moving down my body. To my thighs. Going in. Deeper.

  I didn’t make it to this point with Jonathon. By now I should be pushing Logan off me and getting dressed. I should be running out of his dorm and hopping onto the train to head home.

  But I’m not.

  And he doesn’t hurry the fuck up.

  I pulled him closer and unbuttoned his jeans.

  God, get out of these already!

  My breathing started turning into pants as he pressed into me. I feel him. He’s right there. He just has to push himself in and I’ll be fine. I’m not stopping. He can go.

  “Their names will haunt you until the day you die, Rebeckah. You just wanted sex. She’s dead because you were being a whore. Here’s a tip. Next time you have sex, don’t even bother with their name. God knows they won’t remember yours in the morning. You’re worthless.”

  My eyes shot open and I pushed Logan back.

  Fuck, this isn’t good. I’m going to cry. I’m going to break.

  “I…I’m sorry,” I said getting off the bed and grabbing my clothes.

  “Rebeckah, wait.”

  I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. Both Logan and Darren can’t get in now. I threw my clothes on in the dark and sank onto the floor as I let everything out.

  I am a whore.

  I’m worthless.

  No one will remember me.

  It was my fault.

  It should have been me.

  I cried even harder as I curled myself into a ball.

  I’m sick of this. Why did I live? Why wasn’t it me?

  Alice didn’t deserve that! She was just having fun. We both were.

  Someone was knocking on the door and trying to open it but it didn’t work. They can’t get in.

  Then it got really quiet.

  I stopped crying and looked around the dark room. I can’t see a thing. Where’s the light switch? No. Maybe I shouldn’t turn on the light. This is a men’s bathroom. There will be sharp objects. There will be razors.

  I’m better off in the dark.

  The door handle turned. And turned.

  “Uh…I have to piss,” Darren said behind the door. “Can you hurry it up? Who’s in there? Rebeckah? Oh, are you trying to sneak into my room? Door is always open.” I wiped my eyes and got on all fours as I felt for a wall. “Well not right now. It’s locked but you’re always welcome.”

  I found a wall and searched for a light switch as I stood up. When the light was turned on, I unlocked the doors and both of them swung open. Darren glanced at Logan as Logan stared at me.

  “Ah, come on,” Darren said. “You two…”

  Logan is only in jeans and my sweater is on backwards so if someone puts the two together it looks the way it does. Too bad nothing happened. It almost did.

  “Shit, did he hurt you?” Darren asked me with wide eyes. “Did you say no? Dude, if she–”

  “Shut up,” Logan said waving a hand at him. “Can we talk?” he asked me. “Outside of the bathroom.”

  I really don’t want to but I can’t really take Darren’s room. I walked out into Logan’s room and he shut the bathroom door.

  “What happened?” he asked. “Up until the last second you seemed into it.” Logan walked up to me and tilted my chin up. “Did I do something?” His thumbs wiped under my eyes and I shut down. I mean, I literally shut down.

  Everything I was thinking about just switched off and I was staring into nothing. I don’t even know if I’m standing.

  Everything turned dark.

  “Okay…” Alice said placing her wallet on the table. “Start with drinks.”

  Kenneth pulled his chair in to be closer to Alice and then we ordered drinks. It wasn’t lost on me that Kenneth had his hand up Alice’s dress the whole time. The way her fingers grabbed the table was a tell.

  Jared wasn’t like Kenneth. We only brushed fingers as we traded drinks and grabbed chips and salsa. He sat close to me but he didn’t get grabby.

  I kind of liked that.

  But at the same time, I was here to get laid.

  “Do you smoke?” I asked him.

  He leaned into me to be heard over the music and said yes. I then asked him if he wanted to head out back and have a cigarette. That’s how we ended up in the alley. And we didn’t smoke.

  I was adjusting my dress when the restaurant door swung open and an employee walked out. He took one look at us and shook his head.

  “You can’t be back here,” he said. “And there are cameras.” Fuck. Now the owner of this place will witness me having amazing sex against a brick wall with a perfect stranger. Eh, he might get off on it. And it’s dark out, he might not see everything. Well there is a light coming off the building…

  “Let’s head out,” Jared said taking my hand. “Your friend can stay with Kenny.”

  “No, I’m sorry,” I said slipping my hand out of his. “We have to be somewhere later so we’re leaving together.” Lie. That’s just our excuse for not bringing them home or for us to get trapped into staying with them.

  His mouth twitched then he nodded.

  “Okay,” he said.

  The employee held the door open as we walked back into the restaurant. I know his eyes are locked on my ass because I heard the short intake of breath as I passed him. This dress is way too short. I blame Alice.

  Jared and I headed to the table and Alice was giving me the look telling me we need to talk about my twenty minute smoke break.

  She glanced at Kenneth and gave him one of her seductive looks. No one ever says no when they get that look. She stood up and said she was going to the bathroom. Alice winked at me as she turned. Yeah, she’s using the bathroom.

  “I should go too,” Kenneth said clearing his throat.

  I checked my phone as Kenneth stood up and I saw I had a text from Kelsey. She wants to talk to me about something. And it’s important. Well, I can’t just leave Jared here by himself so I put my phone away and used my charm on him.

  Ten minutes later, my phone vibrated. I wanted to ignore it but it could be Kelsey. She did say it was important.

  “I’m sorry,” I said to Jared as I took out my phone.

  My brows furrowed when it was from Alice. She texted me telling me to meet her at the car. Seeing as we came in a taxi, I was confused. I replied with a question mark. She never responded so I called but she didn’t pick up either.

  “Everything okay?” Jared asked, looking up at me.

  “Yeah…um…I have to go.”

  “Oh,” Jared said standing up. “I’ll get the check. Don’t worry about it.”

  I dug in my purse for some twenties but seeing as I’m broke as fuck, I only had a twenty and a five. Damn, I should have not bought pizza last night. My bank account has barely enough to buy a fountain drink from McDonald’s so I feel like shit now.

  “Um…this is all I have on me,” I said handing it to him.

  “It’s fine. Go,” he said standing up. “I got it.”

  “Thank you,” I said squeezing his arm.

  He smiled and walked to the front of the restaurant where he paid and headed out. I was going to head out but some asshole was blocking my path so I turned in a different direction and headed toward the back where Jared and I left from awhile back.

  The
bathrooms are this way so I decided to go pee real quick. Alice can wait. She didn’t even come back and pay for her drinks and food, and she made me look a bitch. A broke bitch.

  The ladies bathroom was packed with people so I knocked on the men’s door. I hit my forehead when I realized the noise is too loud to be heard over.

  I walked in and passed a few stalls that could be cleaned better and I’m pretty sure there is a condom handing off one side of a toilet.

  I got to the last stall and pushed it open.

  That’s when I lost it.

  I screamed and dropped to my knees as my mind let in what was happening right in front of me.

  My eyes snapped open.

  For the first time in six months, I didn’t wake up scratching my skin off and causing myself to bleed. Or in a panic. Sweating. Scared.

  Maybe it’s because I’m trapped against a wall and a hard body. Who the fuck… I turned and froze as I stared at Logan. His blue eyes are on me and his arm is wrapped around me to the point that I can’t jump out of bed. I looked around and I’m in his dorm. In his bed. With him right beside me.

  “I have no idea what is going on with you but you fucking scared me a few hours ago,” Logan said with a serious face. “I was talking to you but you didn’t hear a word I said. I didn’t know what to do. I debated tying you up to the bed but that seemed wrong so I just got in with you. I didn’t know if you’d leave and do something.”

  Like kill myself.

  My eyes dropped to his chest and closed altogether. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be alive. I’m just done with everything.

  “What time is it?” I whispered.

  “Five something,” Logan said rubbing my arm up and down softly. “You were kicking in your sleep but I thought it’d be fucked up if I woke you up.”

  “Did I say anything?” I asked softly.

  “No but you did scream or groan. I’m not sure which.”

  I let my body go limp as I tried to think of something to do. I should go home. I should tell Dad it’s happening again. Maybe I should go to the mental hospital and be put on drugs.

  I didn’t go home last night so…

  Fuck. Last night. Logan.

  “I have to go,” I said, trying to sit up but Logan held me down.