Don't Let Me Fall Page 14

  He just traded in a huge panda that I wouldn’t mind cuddling with every night so he can play the last game. And it’s the one that nobody can win. It’s the slot machine. That thing has been rigged since the day it was made. No one ever gets the three jackpots together. Ever.

  “Are you sure?” the guy in charge of the game said waving the panda’s arm at us. He looks ridiculous with red bozo hair attached to his head. “Your girlfriend looks like she wants to keep it.”

  “She doesn’t need the panda because she’ll have the bear,” Logan said matter-of-factly.

  Girlfriend. The guy called me Logan’s girlfriend and he didn’t say anything about it. He just winked at me and smiled. I don’t know how to feel about that. The teenage girl inside of me that was never called a girlfriend by anyone except girl friends was jumping up and down and holding in her squeals. The Rebeckah that I am right now, stared at Logan walking over to the slot machine and thought about how I’ll find a way to fuck this up and he’ll hate me.

  “Rebeckah,” Logan called out.

  He must have called out my name before because his eyes are wandering, wondering where I just was.

  I walked past the small group forming to witness Logan fail miserably and stood beside him. He held out his hand for me and I rolled my eyes. We are not doing this.

  “I need good luck,” he said.

  “Well you won’t find it in me,” I said.

  His shoulders slumped as he held my eyes.

  “Just for right now can you think positively?” he asked.

  Shit. I think I kind of ruined his spirits. Fuck. I knew I’d fuck this up sooner or later. And this early. Wow. Congratulations, Rebeckah.

  He held out his hand again and I took it.

  Logan sat down on the stool and pulled the handle.

  The reels started rotating. And I started biting my nails. God, what is happening to me? I don’t bite my nails.

  Jackpot. Jackpot. Cherry.

  “Told you,” I said, my old mood making a comeback when I realized that bear is not coming home with me.

  “Two jackpots,” Bozo said. “You get another go. Remember, man, this is the last one.” He glanced at me and smirked. “I think you’re going home empty handed.”

  “I’d say you’re reading your own future, buddy,” Logan said. “The girls are loving the bozo wig,” he deadpanned. I couldn’t help but laugh and so did the crowd a couple feet behind us.

  Bozo rolled his eyes and waved us the all clear.

  “I need more luck,” Logan said, his eyes glowing bluer than I’ve ever seen them. What could I possibly do for more luck?

  “What? Should I blow you right now?” I joked.

  His jaw twitched as his eyes fell to my mouth. God, I’m tempted to do it now. I don’t care that there are people watching. I should have kept my mouth shut.

  Logan leaned into me, his lips touching mine.

  “You have to believe it,” he whispered. I can’t think about anything besides his lips on mine. Fuck. He’s really distracting.

  He can win the bear. I thought. Please win the bear.

  He pressed his lips into mine as his free hand pulled the handle again. When he let it go, he slipped his hand out of mine and placed both on my hips, deepening the kiss.

  Win the fucking bear!

  Win the fucking bear!

  I’m so lost right now. Logan is breaking down my walls by crashing through. He’s making me want something. He’s making me want him. And I don’t know how I should feel about it.

  “Feeling lucky?” Logan asked finding my eyes. I just nodded. My words are trapped in my throat waiting for his tongue to take them.

  We turned and stared at the reels rotating.

  Jackpot. Jackpot…

  …orange.

  What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!

  “Ha, told you,” Bozo said. “Should have kept the–”

  The reel turned and the jackpot took the orange’s place. The jackpot noise started and I jumped and squealed like a bitch. I know I look ridiculous but I don’t care.

  “Ohmygod! Ohmygod!” I threw my arms around Logan’s neck as I stared at the three jackpots. He did it. He won the bear! “You did it!” I said jumping on my toes. The smile on my face feels so weird. It’s been such a long time since I’ve done that. Really smiled.

  “No, you did it,” Logan said smiling that damn smile that makes my knees go weak. “I told you to believe.”

  I stopped jumping on my toes as I held his eyes.

  I haven’t been this happy since before Alice was taken from me and it’s because of him. Logan was right. We need to let the little kid out of us sometimes.

  “We did it,” I said softly.

  We stayed like this for a while and I was pretty sure Logan was going to kiss me again but Bozo ruined the moment. He stuck the human size Golden Bear in-between us and said some shit about us being lucky and we were the first ones to ever win this prize. He seemed to really care by the flat tone of his voice.

  “Take the panda, man,” Logan said as we walked out of his play area. “That way you don’t go home empty-handed.”

  Bozo rolled his eyes at us and turned off the slot machine. People booed when he did but what else can he do. The bear is gone. He’s in my arms.

  The carnival was closing so we headed to Logan’s car. I sat up front with the bear tucked behind a seatbelt behind me. Logan insisted. “He’s golden. He needs to be protected,” he said.

  I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face and I really didn’t want to. I’m happy. And it feels good to feel something other than pain and numbness. My top two emotions.

  When Logan got in the car, I turned in my seat to face him. “So what do you want from me?” I asked.

  My mind is taking the dirty path right now and I really don’t mind. Sex in a car isn’t that bad. There isn’t a lot of room but we can manage. Blowjob, maybe? We haven’t had sex or done anything since that time in his dorm a while back so I’m guessing he’ll take the opportunity to find some release. I know I wouldn’t mind. I’m getting hor–

  “Your middle name,” Logan said derailing my train of thought.

  “Hm?” I asked. I didn’t hear that right.

  “Your middle name. That’s what I want from you.”

  I sat in my seat like a statue as I replayed that in my head a few times. He’s just fucking with me. And right now I want him to be the one fucking me.

  “How about something sexual?” I asked. “I don’t min–”

  “No,” Logan said glancing at the bear then back at me. “I know what I want.”

  I blinked like an idiot for a few seconds until I realized he’s serious. Fuck. He couldn’t ask for something else?

  “Valentine,” I whispered, sitting back into my seat the right way. “My middle name is Valentine.”

  Logan was quiet so we just sat there. In the dark with some light from the street lamps. In a non-moving car.

  “What’s wrong with your middle name?” he asked.

  I drew imaginary circles on my thigh as I tried not to feel anything as I remembered the story. The real story. The one I’m not supposed to know.

  Mom used to keep diaries and when she moved out, she left one behind. I stumbled upon it and read it. Shitty thing to do but I was curious.

  “I was supposed to be born on Valentine’s Day,” I said. I just got lucky and came on Christmas. “But I came early. Too early.” My words are getting softer. “I was supposed to die.” I’m whispering now. “But my Dad never gave up hope.” Mom did. She wrote down that she didn’t want me. I was going to die so she started to hate me. She didn’t want to love me and then have me ripped away.

  I was worthless.

  I still am to her.

  Logan leaned into my space, sliding a hand to the back of my neck through my hair. “You have a beautiful middle name,” he said into my ear, his lips brushing my skin, sending fire down my spine. “Everything about you is beautiful.” He kissed my neck, ri
ght on my bird tattoo. “Nothing compares to how much you’re worth, Rebeckah.”

  My breath caught as he said that. It’s like he’s in my head. Like he knows what I’m thinking. Feeling.

  “I’m pretty sure I’m worth less than something on the dollar menu.” My eyes widened when the words left my mouth. It slipped out. I didn’t mean to say it.

  Logan found my eyes in the dark and I want to hide in my sweater. I want to crawl out of this car and never see him again because I know he’s going to say something that will make me feel worth something.

  “You are the person people wish they can have nearby. Talk to. Be with. You’re special, Rebeckah. I wish you can see that in yourself because once you do, you’ll see just how truly amazing you are,” he said, making sure I heard every word.

  His thumb caressed my cheek, wiping away the escaped tears. One broke through and slid right to my lips. Maybe Logan saw it. Maybe he didn’t. But he kissed me anyways. And it felt sooo good.

  “I’m so glad I met you,” he breathed.

  “I’m so glad you won me that bear.”

  He broke into a laugh as he went back to his seat. We had a moment and I kind of ruined it with the bear but it doesn’t matter. The bear did this to me. Logan did this to me.

  I actually feel something.

  And my pounding heart feels the same way.

  Logan pulled up to my dad’s house and we ended the night just like most first dates. We stood at the front door talking about how much fun today was.

  Logan leaned in to kiss me.

  Then the front door opened and Kelsey squealed.

  “Ohmygod! You got the bear!” she said, beaming until she saw our faces. “Oh…did I just interrupt something?”

  “No!” Matty snapped, walking up to her. “It’s late.” He gave us a look and he actually smirked at Logan. “Bye, Logan.”

  “What are you doing?” I asked raising an eyebrow. “I’m not a child. I’m not your child.”

  “Get your ass upstairs,” Matty said smiling at me.

  When I didn’t move, he grabbed my arm and pulled me inside, the bear almost slipping out of my arms and falling onto the ground. He closed the door after telling Logan to go home then steered me toward the kitchen.

  “Seriously, Matty, that was fucking rude,” I said. “You can’t slam a door in his face and act like Dad.” This is ridiculous. And I’m not dealing with this the way I should. I’m fucking pissed. “It’s only nine. And I’m twenty-one!”

  “You were gone all day. We were worried,” Matty said.

  And then I saw their faces.

  I didn’t text them. I didn’t call.

  Shit. They thought something happened.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, dropping my eyes to the floor and tightening my arms around the bear. “I know I’ve been acting weird for awhile but I’m not…I don’t…” I hate to talk about these things with my family. Especially with my younger siblings. “I’m not thinking about suicide,” I whispered. I looked up at them and smiled. Shit. I know why I’m not thinking about it. “Logan helps me.” I hate admitting it but it’s true.

  They didn’t say anything but I knew by the look in their eyes, they were happy. I’m not that crazy anymore. That’s a good thing.

  “Where’s Dad?” I asked.

  “On a date with someone from work,” Kelsey said. “And since he’s not back yet, I think he’s getting laid.”

  “Kelsey, no. Don’t say shit like that,” Matty said shaking his head.

  We don’t say it but we all feel it. We’re happy that Dad goes out in the dating world. You’d think he’d forget about himself while he takes care of us. He’s a dad. He does a lot of things.

  Matty grabbed his phone and called someone.

  “Jacky, you have to come over right now…Becky won the bear...Yes, that bear...I’m not fucking with you,” he said then hanging up. “They’re coming over and we want to know how the fuck you won the bear.”

  I rolled my eyes and set the bear down on a chair. This bear is like royalty. And the fact that I have it right now is a mystery to me. I don’t know how Logan won the bear but he did. And he won it for me.

  The bear reminds me of Ally-bear. I took her into the bathroom that day and she went into the garbage the next because the blood wouldn’t come out. Dad tried everything. I lived. And I lost my bear. Again.

  Five minutes later, Jacky and Remy were over gushing over my bear. Remy actually tried bribing me for it. He left empty handed. He has my sister.

  That’s more than enough.

  - 11 -

  My eyes cracked open and I stared at the warm, soft body lying beside me. I snuggled up to him and breathed him in. I feel like a child. I’m snuggling up to a bear. And he smells like Logan.

  My bedroom door cracked open and Dad stuck his head in.

  “Birdie?” he whispered.

  “I’m up,” I said uncurling my legs from Hunter. Yes, I named him Hunter. And no one will ever know that. Not even the man he’s named after.

  Dad walked in and sat on my bed.

  He stared at his hands for a bit then his dark eyes found mine. It’s not good. Whatever he’s going to say is going to crush me. It will tear my heart apart because I know that look. It was the same look he had when he told us he and Mom were getting a divorce. We knew things were bad but we always hoped they’d stay together…for us.

  “Matty and Kelsey told me you haven’t been feeling...” He looked down at the floor as his jaw twitched. I know he hates saying it. Everyone hates saying it. That’s why I don’t want to burden them with my problems.

  “Dad.” I sat up and wiped sleep from my eyes. “What is it? Just tell me.” Just blurt it out so I can handle it. I can’t take the dramatic effect.

  “Toby called,” he said looking back at me.

  My breath caught. My airways are closing. I can’t breathe. I’m shaking. And–

  Dad grabbed my hand and told me to breathe. In and out. Deep breaths. Relax.

  “I told him to call me first,” Dad said after I started to calm down. “Just in case you weren’t…” I nodded. I get it. I’m not stable enough to have Toby call me with updates. “His parents got the trial bumped up.” Holy shit that was fast. Of course it was. They’re lawyers. Judges listen to them.

  It’s been seven months since Alice was murdered.

  To me, it feels like it was just yesterday. I can never stop thinking about it. Thinking about her. April seventh was the day my life hit the pause button. More like the self-destruct button.

  Kelsey doesn’t even talk about her birthday because it was two days before my life exploded. She used to always bring up her birthday and how many things she needs to make it special. How big the party will be. All her friends coming over. Now we both think back to those days and nothing good comes out of it. She found out she was sick and I lost my best friend.

  “To when?” I asked. It’s supposed to be in a few more months. There are cases that have more importance at the moment. I guess since the victim was killed and they caught the guys, that’s more than enough for now.

  “January,” Dad said softly. Fuck. That’s the month of Alice’s birthday. “Fourth.” No fucking way!

  “They can’t do that!” I snapped. “Why would they have it on her birthday?! What the fuck is wrong with them?!” That is so fucked up. Why would they do that? And on Alice’s birthday! She would be turning twenty-three. Instead of remembering the day that is suppose to be for her, they’ll be ruining it with court and photos of her lying on the bathroom floor, covered in blood, dead. Who would do something like that?

  “I know. I know. Birdie, listen,” Dad said grabbing my shaking shoulders. “They want them to pay for what they did and the only available day was the fourth. They see it as fate. Something Alice is telling them.”

  “That’s fucking bullshit.”

  Her parents are assholes. The biggest ones out there. They don’t care about Toby or Alice. They just want the
ir name to be wiped clean. They don’t want to be the lawyers whose daughter was murdered. They want their clients to know how powerful they are. That won’t happen unless they take care of the two assholes that killed my best friend. Not their daughter. My best friend. Melissa and Dolton can care less about losing their daughter. They have each other and that’s how they always saw it. To them, they never had children.

  “Toby said you need to be there,” Dad said.

  I nodded.

  The police told me the same thing when I was able to head back home. They told me I’d have to be present at the trial. I’ll have to do everything again if I want Kenneth and Jared to pay for what they did. For what they took. They didn’t just take my friend. They took my life.

  “Are you okay?” Dad asked searching my face.

  “Yeah,” I whispered. “I will be,” I said when he didn’t believe me. He knows me too well.

  Dad left a few minutes later and I got ready for school. I was on autopilot again. I’m standing at the twins’ dorm building, staring off at nothing. I don’t know how I walked down the stairs leading me here once I got off at Ruggles station.

  I was about to walk into class when my phone rang. And it was the Washington area code. I answered with a shaky hand and listened to one of the Williams’ assistants tell me about the trial coming up and how I’ll get all the details in the mail tomorrow. At least they’re making it a rush delivery.

  I hung up and leaned against the wall as people walked by. I noticed a lot of them stared longer than normal so I wondered if I have ‘penis’ written on my forehead or something.

  A small hand snaked around my arm and pulled me forward. “You look AMAZING,” Aimee said smiling at me with bright white teeth. “But aren’t you cold?”

  Cold?

  Why would I be–

  I looked down and stared at the tops of my breasts popping out of my tank top. Jesus! How did I forget my sweater? And why am I not cold?