Don't Let Me Fall Page 15

  “Whoa,” Logan said stopping beside me. “Did someone not notice how freezing cold it is outside?” He looked me up and down then found my eyes. “Is that bear to blame for this?”

  No. My dead best friend’s fucking parents are. I’m not completely here at the moment. I can see that.

  “What bear?” Aimee asked, brows furrowing.

  Professor Red and Roberts walked down the hall together. They both stared wide-eyed at me as they took in my outfit. “Ms. Mercer,” Professor Roberts said. “Please see to it that Ms. Lennox doesn’t freeze to death before she gets to my class. We have to be outside today.” The two nodded a hello then walked their separate ways.

  In the beginning of the year, I went to class to drool over him. Now, I just want to roll my eyes and walk away. I’m not feeling it. I’m not feeling anything right now. I’m stuck thinking about Alice and what her parents want to do. Those fucking assholes are bringing me down just when I got back up.

  Logan’s fingers ran up my arm and I saw his brows furrow. “You’re freezing. Rebeckah, it’s like twenty-five degrees outside.” I’m crazy. I know. You know this too.

  “Maybe you two should fuck in an empty room. Heat you right up,” Aimee said nudging my arm with a playful smile on her lips. “I’ll take notes for you,” she said walking into Professor Red’s class.

  “Here,” Logan said pulling his sweater off. “Keep yourself warm. Temperature is going to drop even more.”

  I wouldn’t have taken it but I did for two reasons. One being I don’t want to walk around without a sweater and two being that I know it will smell like him. And that might take my mind off things for a bit.

  I was going to walk into class and leave it at that but instead I leaned into Logan and kissed him quickly. I caught him off guard. I caught myself off guard. I don’t know why I did it but it felt nice.

  “Thanks,” I said softly.

  “For what?” Logan asked confused.

  I don’t blame him. I’m hot and cold. I’m weird. I’m very hard to deal with.

  “For dealing with me. And you didn’t kiss me goodnight,” I said raising an eyebrow at him.

  “Oh, is it my fault your brother kidnapped you?”

  “You should’ve kidnapped me from being kidnapped.”

  “I’ll remember that for next time.”

  So we’ll have more times.

  I glanced over Logan’s shoulder and found a supply closest. Ah, I have fond memories of those small places.

  “Are you skipping class?” I asked.

  “Depends,” Logan said with that smile. “Why?”

  “Because I want you to fuck me good morning.”

  His eyebrows shot up to his hairline as he stared at me.

  “I’m still not used to you blurting shit out,” Logan said taking my hands. “But ask and you shall receive.”

  Every girls wish.

  We ran back to his room and said good morning.

  ***

  Aimee and I caught up in Roberts’ class which was held outside for some unknown reason but when all but five students complained of frostbite, we headed back inside and did a different lesson.

  The rest of the day was better.

  I put it in my mind that I’ll go to the trial, say what I need to say, make sure they get what they deserve and then see Alice. I haven’t done that yet. I couldn’t…can’t. Not yet. But when I head back to Seattle for the trial, I might be able to it. I have to. I have to be strong.

  Alice would want me to be strong.

  I walked into Curry and found an empty table near the window while I waited for Aimee to show up with ‘the best salads she ever tasted.’ She said they were good so I have to try them. I’m not a salad person but what the hell. Might as well just try it.

  “Hey, you,” Kevin said sliding into the seat across from me. Max and Shaun took up the other seats beside him and Juan sat beside me.

  “There are tables all around here and you have to choose mine,” I said with mock disappointment. These guys are cool. I thought it would be awkward to be around Kevin after everything we did together but he doesn’t bring it up and neither do I. He even talks about the women he’s been with around me so I don’t think it’s that big of a problem. I’m trying to see it his way.

  “We just have one question,” Shaun said drumming his fingers on the table.

  “Some guys in our class mentioned they saw a four-leaf clover on your side when they saw you this morning. Seeing as how you never show us the goods, I was curious,” Max said. “And Kevin wouldn’t confirm.”

  “Because Kevin was busy doing other things than staring at my tats,” I said. Ohmygod. I did not just let that slide. The guys smiled then went on as if nothing happened.

  “Story behind it,” Juan snapped his fingers.

  “And don’t leave out any details,” Kevin smiled.

  “It was the last one I got,” I said playing with the arm of Logan’s sweater. “Got it on my twenty-first birthday.” And I left it at that.

  The guys waited.

  “That’s it?”

  “Were you drunk?”

  “High?”

  “Luck of the Irish?” Juan asked.

  A small laugh escaped my lips. “No. I’m not even Irish,” I said. “My friend and her brother are. We just got matching tattoos.”

  Toby used to visit us a lot so when it was my twenty-first birthday and Alice and I decided to skip the ‘let’s go out and get wasted’ thing, we stopped at a hotel in New Jersey and surprised Toby. He said he was planning something with his secret boyfriend but since we never met the guy, we told him to ditch him. It was fucked up because it was Christmas so Toby’s revenge was making me get a four-leaf clover. We all got it. Toby got his on his right wrist (mainly for hand jobs), Alice got it on her ankle (it was her first so she was scared) and I got mine on my left side where it would blend in with my other tattoos.

  “The meaning behind it is, ‘fuck me, I’m Irish,’” I said.

  “Whoa!” Aimee said stopping at the table. “You better not fuck anyone at this table. Scoot over,” she said to Juan. I scooted down and Juan did the same for Aimee to fit. “You’re Irish?” she asked me.

  “No, Becka just has a four-leaf clover on her side for no reason,” Shaun smirked. “Except to mind-fuck men.”

  “Did I hear ‘fuck men’?” Darren asked sliding into the tiny spot beside Shaun. This booth will break if anyone else sits here.

  “I knew you were gay,” Caleb said walking up to the table with Logan. “This is fucked up. I’m a guest and I don’t even have a seat.”

  “Aimee can sit on your lap,” Logan said, pouting. “I’m more concerned about me.”

  “Are you oblivious to the fact of a beautiful tattooed girl being squeezed to death next to Juan?” Darren asked, glancing at me and winking. “You can sit on my lap if you want.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw the look Logan gave him. I shook my head and glanced outside, and my heart stopped.

  “Fuck me,” I breathed.

  “Are you sure?” Darren asked. “I told you, man. She wants me.”

  “What? No. I wasn’t talking to you,” I said.

  I glanced outside again and he was gone. Was I hallucinating? I must have been. He wouldn’t be here. What the fuck would he be here for in the first place?

  I pressed my head against the window and tried to look past walking students. He’s not here. Of course.

  What would Toby Williams be doing here?

  Get a grip, Becka. You’re going crazy.

  “It’s so weird to see you with clothes on.”

  I. Just. Died.

  My head slowly turned to see the person standing beside Logan. He’s not real. He’s not standing right there.

  God, why are you doing this to me?!

  He looks like Alice. The brownish-green eyes are the same. The dark hair. The cheekbones. Toby’s gay and proud, only he doesn’t look it. He looks like the kind of guy t
hat goes to the gym to hit on women and fuck them in the showers.

  “I’m sorry?” Logan asked turning to him.

  Fuck, he’s real.

  My heart is beating way too fast and I feel like I’m going to faint. Pass out. Die. Something.

  “Can we talk?” Toby asked me.

  Aimee took one look at me and saw something in my face. In the look of my eyes. I don’t know, she saw something. “Look, I don’t know who you are but Becka doesn’t want to talk to you,” she said, giving Toby a look to even dare question her. “And if you were a one time thing then I’m sorry to break it to you but it was only that. A one time thing.” Oh, thanks.

  Toby laughed softly and pulled up the sleeves of his sweater, revealing far more tattoos then he had since I last saw him. Holy shit, when did he get those? “I can stay here all day, Becka,” he said placing his hands on his hips. “Your dad even told me where you work.”

  “No, he didn’t,” I panicked. He wouldn’t do that. He knows I’m having a hard time hearing Toby’s name so I imagine what he thinks will happen by seeing Toby.

  “Okay, he didn’t but I have my ways. It’ll be five minutes. That’s all I need.” That’s far too long.

  I tore my eyes off of him and stared at the table. I felt the tears coming and I tried to hold them back but it was pointless. He’s bringing back too many feelings. Happy ones. Sad ones. Perfect ones.

  “I think you should go,” Logan said.

  Yes, thank you. That’s what he needs to do.

  “Are you Becka’s latest fuck buddy?” Toby barked. My head snapped up and my eyes widened. He better not say anything. I don’t care if I’m a whore but still, he doesn’t have to say shit. “Don’t get your feelings involved, man. She’ll just leave when the next thing comes around.”

  “Shut up, Toby!” I snapped.

  “Oh, now you acknowledge me,” he said.

  “What the fuck are you even doing here?” I asked.

  “I live around here.” Oh fucking awesome. I came back home with hopes of never having to be put through the shit I was back in Washington. Now I know he lives around here. “You’d know if you called or texted or did something other than lose contact. And I can’t believe I have to talk to you through your dad. That’s just fucked up.”

  “Things are different now,” I said through my teeth.

  “People go through shit all the time, Becka. They don’t give up on people who are like family.” There are hundreds of things I can say about that, number one being his parents but I’m not that fucked up. You don’t talk about the Williams’ with a Williams. “Look at me. We both lost her and you don’t see me ignoring you.”

  “I wish you would.”

  “Get the fuck up,” Toby said louder.

  “You should get the fuck out,” Logan said, giving Toby his full attention. Shit. This doesn’t look good. Logan looks about ready to start grabbing Toby’s sweater and drag him out kicking and screaming.

  “You’re making a scene, Rebeckah,” Toby sighed.

  “Me? You’re the one that doesn’t leave.” I can’t believe him! He’s putting this on me. I’m just sitting here.

  Toby looked me straight in the eyes and said, “If Ali was standing here right now, would you be this difficult?”

  I curled my hands into fists under the table. He’s driving me insane and I want to hit him. Repeatedly. I want to break him and–

  “Ugh! I wish you weren’t gay so I can beat the shit out of you,” I said as tears ran down my cheeks. That doesn’t matter though. I would still kick his ass but I can’t because I love the guy. UGH!

  “Oh, you’re gay?” Caleb asked, dropping the should-we-throw-him-out look he was sharing with Logan.

  “Yeah. Why? Now you change your mind about kicking my ass?” Toby asked him. Caleb held up his hands in surrender and nodded. “That’s what I thought.” For a twenty-four-year-old, Toby acts twelve. “Now that everyone established the fact that I won’t rape you outside, can you talk to me?” he asked turning his eyes back on me.

  I give up.

  He’s not leaving until we talk. So we’ll talk.

  “Fine,” I sighed. Aimee and Juan got up so I could slide out. I grabbed Toby and pulled him to an empty table nearby.

  I held out my left arm for him to take.

  “What the fuck is this?” Toby asked confused. “A marriage proposal? Not with me, Becka.”

  “Take it,” I said shaking it. He took my hand and raised an eyebrow. I can’t say it. The words are stuck in my throat. “Go higher.”

  His fingers slid under Logan’s sweater as he said, “I don’t understand why I’m feeling your wr–”

  His other hand pulled the sweater arm up and his eyes found the scar. Then they found mine.

  “That’s why,” I said. “Ever since I met you, you said you had one rule for liking and disliking people. You don’t care about who they are, what color their skin is or if they’re homophobic but you will never be friends with someone who tries to kill themselves. You’re gay and you know a lot of people who ended their lives because they weren’t accepted. You hated them for it. I tried to end mine because I was in pain, Toby. I lost her. I loved her! And my sister got sick. My world shattered and I couldn’t handle it. There was nothing I could do. I was useless.”

  “You’re not useless,” Toby said looking at my scar again. His thumb ran over it a few times and as he did that, the tears came out harder. “I’m sorry,” he said dropping my arm and pulling me into a hug. “I shouldn’t have locked myself away. I should have checked on you.”

  “It should have been me, Toby,” I cried into his chest. “If that employee didn’t come outside, he would have killed me. Then maybe Ali would still be alive.”

  “Don’t do that,” Toby said pulling away and cupping my face. “Don’t do the ‘what if’s’. No one knows how that night would have happened if something changed. You can’t feel like this, Becka. She’s gone but you’re still alive.”

  “But I’m not living,” I sobbed.

  “Because you don’t want to live.”

  He’s right.

  “I feel like I don’t deserve to live,” I whispered.

  “Man, I wish you were gay so I can beat the shit out of you,” Toby said smiling at me. He pulled me back into his arms and squeezed the air out of my lungs. “You hurt yourself again and I will personally cut off your nipples and shove them down your throat.” I pulled away from him with a raised eyebrow. Where the fuck is that coming from? And why my nipples? “You don’t have a cock. It’d work so much better if you had a cock.”

  “Yeah,” I said, nodding. “That way you can cut it off and shove up your own ass.” Toby laughed and walked me back to my table with everyone staring at us. I don’t think they’ve ever heard of privacy.

  “You wish you can fuck me. I’m the forbidden fruit,” Toby said standing right beside Logan. Are you serious? I know he’s doing that because of the way I acted when he told Logan I’d leave him when the next one comes around. I never stick up for hook-ups. And Toby knows that. “The sexy forbidden fruit.”

  “More like the sexy forbidden banana,” Aimee said.

  Caleb gave her a cocked eyebrow and Toby followed.

  “You look like Becka’s type,” Toby said.

  My eyes widened as I punched him in the shoulder. Not once have I thought of Aimee that way. Ever! Toby glanced at me with a confused look. Then he got it. “Oh…they don’t know.”

  “Know what?” Logan asked, staring at me.

  Nothing!

  “Becka goes both ways,” Toby said.

  Everyone’s jaws dropped.

  Oh. My. God.

  He did not…

  I scratched my forehead as I waited for time to pause. That has only happened when I’m super wasted. I don’t willingly walk up to girls and bring them somewhere to fuck.

  “We’re twins,” Aimee said pointing at Logan.

  Toby eyed Logan up and down and nodded.
“Figures. She’d go for the one with a cock. She takes after me.”

  I leaned over the table and grabbed my bag sitting between the wall and Juan, not making eye contact with anyone because I know they’ll ask questions.

  “Yeah…so I have to go to work…” I said backing up. “Talk later.” I turned around and walked my ass out of Curry. I ran to the train station so no one could follow me.

  When I got to work, I found comfort in being behind the bar. That was until the door opened and Toby walked in. When did I get so lucky? Twice in one day. And I thought Logan was the stalker.

  “Seriously, you can’t do this. I need time–”

  Toby glanced over my shoulder and smiled. Like a full on my-day-just-got-a-shit-ton-better smile. He ignored me as he walked over to my left, leaned over the bar and planted a kiss on Peyton’s lips.

  Now it was my turn to have my jaw drop.

  What the fuck is this?!

  I just got mind-fucked.

  I can’t even think straight.

  I stared at the two like they were strangers. But they’re not. I know both of them. At least I thought I did. Now I’m questioning everything. Peyton and Toby. A couple?

  Here I thought I have a job because I’m qualified. I think Peyton knew exactly who I was when I walked my ass in The Happy Hour. I think I got the job because Toby knew it was me.

  He gave me time.

  He was always here.

  He never gave up on me.

  That’s so…nice.

  “Okay, stop staring. It’s weird,” Toby said sitting down on a stool while making fuck-me eyes at Peyton. I know Toby. I know he’ll fuck Peyton right here, right in front of me, on this counter.

  “How long have you two been dating?” I asked.

  “Two years,” Peyton said. Two years! “And trust me when I say I didn’t forget that you stole him from me on Christmas.”

  Fuck.

  “I didn’t know,” I said sheepishly. “Toby never mentioned you. I mean, he said he was seeing someone but he never said a name, showed a picture, called you…Ali and I thought he was making it up.” Damn, it’s weird talking about Alice in public. And with Peyton. This guy knows nothing about me. Well, nothing that I know of. “You knew who I was when I applied, didn’t you?”