Don't Let Me Fall Read online

  And I’ll lose my mind.

  - 9 -

  It’s been five days since that whole thing with Jon telling me he knows about Seattle and I can’t sleep anymore. I’ll probably get in maybe an hour then I jerk awake and I can’t sleep afterwards.

  It’s Finn’s birthday and he went out with friends. Where I got dragged to because Kelsey came with and Matty didn’t let ‘I don’t want to go’ be an answer. I had to skip work for a few hours so I’m staying late tonight and I actually don’t mind. I can’t sleep. I can work.

  I honestly don’t know how I worked or how I drove home at four in the morning but I did. I’m here, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, running my finger over my scar.

  “I love you, Becka. Always.”

  Alice’s voice crawled into my head and I smiled. I closed my eyes and turned on my side. If she were alive, she’d be on the other side of my bed when I open my eyes. We always slept together on whoever’s bed was where we landed. We were like one. Always together.

  I opened my eyes and stared at the empty side of the bed.

  She’s not there. She’ll never be here again.

  I grabbed my phone and texted Logan. We’re not dating but we’re moving in that direction. I got over the whole piss-on-my-leg-because-you’re-the-alpha shit and didn’t bring it up again. He did it because he saw the way Jon was looking at me. He was telling the world (bar) to back the fuck off. And it worked. Well the flirting still happens but no one gets extra dirty with me.

  Me: Are you awake?

  I stared at the screen until my eyes hurt. He’s probably sleeping. It is four something in the morning. Any sane person should be sleeping at this time.

  I clicked my phone off and stared at my bed in the dark. I need to do something. And the urge to off myself is coming back.

  I need Logan.

  I am using him.

  But not in a bad way.

  We haven’t had sex since that first time so I’m not considering myself a crazy person who turns to sex so I don’t kill myself. I just text him and talk to him and the urge goes away. I get involved in whatever story he tells me and everything just turns to dust. I’m not crazy or having bad thoughts when he tells me about Darren walking into his room hoping I’m there. Naked.

  My phone vibrated and I attacked it like it was water and I’ve been in a desert for a few days.

  Logan: Now I am

  Me: Oh...sorry. Go back to sleep then

  Logan: Can’t.

  Logan: Texting you makes it seem like you’re here

  I blushed when I reread that. Who wouldn’t?

  Me: Can I come?

  Logan: Depends on how many times ;)

  Me: I meant come over, horny bastard

  Logan: Will you stay for more than 5 min

  I like to drop by around six to say hi, kiss him, steal his chips and then leave. I can’t help it. I like being around him. Just not constantly. I’m not a clinger so I need to leave.

  Me: Idk

  Logan: On?

  I tapped my phone as I thought about it. I can say what is really on my mind (his penis, his lips, his body, his penis!) or I can just tell him that I’m bored. Being bored around Logan always turns into fun. We start up a conversation about my tattoos and he just has to touch them so it’s a win-win. He gets to touch me while I talk.

  Isn’t that what people want? For me to talk?

  I don’t beat around the bush. I shake the bitch until her leaves start to fall off.

  Me: I want to have sex

  I waited for him to reply. He has to say I can come over. He has to tell me he wants it too. I won’t go over there and have him say he doesn’t want to do anything. I’m not going to rape him.

  The thing is, Logan knows I’m screwed up so he’s going slow with me. Because I kind of asked him to. I don’t want us to be all about sex. I want to see how I get, how I act and if the urge will finally stop. I don’t want to drag Logan down with me for no reason. I don’t want him thinking I’m using him.

  Thirty minutes passed and nothing.

  Ten more.

  Logan: Are you sure?

  Finally!!

  I sat up in bed and turned on the lamp beside me. I look decent. Or should I shower. I showered before I went to work. But I did sweat...

  Me: Yeah

  Logan: Turn off the light

  I stared at my phone for a few seconds then it clicked. And I was smiling like an idiot.

  Me: Stalker

  Logan: Only yours :P

  God, I want that tongue on that smiley face to be his right now. I am picturing way too many dirty things and I like it.

  I threw some clothes into my bag, sprayed myself and headed downstairs. I walked into the kitchen and left a note on the kitchen counter for anyone who wakes up first.

  When I headed outside and saw the twins’ car, my heart skipped a beat. The douchebag didn’t answer me and he drove here. Hmm. I can only imagine what his face would have looked like if I told him I was joking.

  Insert wide eyes and sing, ‘He would have looked like an idiot.’ That’s the way I’m thinking it.

  I got into the car and Logan just stared at me with a surprised look. When his eyes found mine, he smiled. “You wear that to sleep or did I get lucky?” he asked.

  It may be cold as shit outside but in the house it is hot as hell (really, Kelsey needs to be in a warm environment) so sleeping with full pjs is out of the question.

  I’m in black shorts that barely cover my ass when I bend over and my tank top is doing nothing to cover my boobs. At least I’m wearing a bra.

  “It’s coming off anyways so I didn’t see the point in changing,” I said. I even left my hair in a messy bun. I look like complete shit at this point.

  “I didn’t think you could be anymore beautiful,” Logan said leaning toward me. “I was wrong.” He pecked my lips and settled back into his seat.

  See, it’s shit like that that gets my mind off the suicide.

  I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling like an idiot. I glanced at him and took in his wrinkled t-shirt and sweats. He literally just got out of bed for me. And the hair. Fuck me, his hair is messy and he looks fucking edible.

  When we got to his room, the first thing he did was grab his desk chair and prop it against the bathroom door so Darren can’t sneak in. I couldn’t help but laugh at that.

  “You don’t want interruptions?” I asked.

  Logan took one look at me and my insides liquefied.

  “Not when I’m going to do what I want to do,” he said with a dark stare. Shit. I’m going to get my world rocked.

  He picked me up and dropped me on the bed.

  ***

  The sound of the bathroom door handle turning and trying to be opened, interrupted my peaceful, quiet daydreaming. I was just thinking about all the things Logan and I did not thirty minutes ago and my mind was being taken to another place.

  I felt Logan laugh behind me. His chest vibrated against my back as his arm slid around my middle and he pulled me into him.

  “See. Planning ahead works,” he said kissing my neck.

  “Getting a new roommate is even better,” I joked.

  Darren is annoying but he’s alright. He’s someone I grew to like. As a friend. The constant flirting and touching is just to get on Logan’s nerves because he knows that he hates it. Aimee told me a few days ago that when Logan likes someone, he doesn’t like seeing other people getting too friendly with that person. And seeing as how I am the biggest slut or was, he’s extra paranoid. I don’t blame him. My eyes wander sometimes. But they always end up back on him.

  I think me never really dating anyone made me like this. A whore. Easy. Whatever you want to call it. I’ve never been tied down. Unless sex was involved. I always had my way with men and then I moved on to the next. I never had to focus on being with one person and only that one person.

  My phone vibrated and I’m one hundred percent sure it’s Darren asking if
I’m over. No, Logan will just lock him out for no reason.

  I got out of bed and started getting dressed for class.

  “You still have forty minutes,” Logan said putting his arms under his head, giving me his full attention.

  My eyes slid down his beautiful eyes, past the scruff on his chin that will be shaved pretty soon, down his perfectly sculpted chest and abs and landed at the V of his hips. The comforter is covering the rest but I know what’s under there and my mouth is watering at the thought.

  “My eyes are up here,” Logan smirked.

  My eyes slide their way back up. “I’m going to get some breakfast,” I said letting my hair down and combing my fingers through it. “And no you don’t have to come. Take a shower and smell yummy.” I leaned over him and pecked his lips as I grabbed my phone.

  I walked over to the bathroom, slid the chair out and tapped on the door. “Don’t walk in or else you’re going to see a naked Logan,” I said.

  “Want to see a naked Darren?” Darren asked seductively.

  Logan sat up, smiling and said, “Repeat that because I didn’t hear it.”

  Darren opened the door and stuck a hand out. When he turned it toward Logan, he stuck up the middle finger.

  “Bye, Rebeckah,” Darren sighed.

  “Bye, Darren.”

  I walked out of the room and stopped at Aimee’s. Yup, Darren texted asking if I was over. How did I know? I texted Aimee and asked if she’s hungry. Her door swung open and she stood there with a smile on her lips.

  “They have pancakes, sausages, waffles and French toast,” she said. “I’m gaining fifty pounds today and–hey…” Her eyes locked on my hair. “Why is it down?”

  “Because I’m lazy,” I yawned.

  “Sex with Logan that good?”

  Oh, god. I really wished she didn’t ask that because the answer is yes. All my life I wanted a guy that will take me over the edge and make me feel something. I wanted to get fucked until I can’t walk straight. Being lazy and walking like a snail is some of the side effects.

  And right now I am high on Logan Mercer.

  “Come on. Food’s waiting,” I said.

  We headed downstairs, grabbed enough food to feed a small army and then picked an empty table to sit at. While Aimee was drowning her waffles in syrup, my eyes wandered around the dining hall and landed on bright red hair across the room from us. Valerie is here. And she doesn’t look nice at the moment. When doesn’t she? Ever since Victor dumped her, she has been extra bitchy.

  I tore my eyes off her and went back to eating.

  “Hey…um…” Aimee stabbed her sausage and twirled it in syrup as she tried to find some courage to talk. “You talked to Victor a few days ago…” I knew she saw us. We passed each other on campus as I was heading to the Curry center and since he wasn’t hiding from me anymore, he stopped and talked…about Aimee. He wanted to know if she’s over him. I said I don’t know but she’s with Caleb. He just nodded and said he had to go.

  “Aimee, he cheated on you,” I said softly. “Victor might have been a good guy but when people cheat, things never get back to the way they were. If you two can move past things and become friends then go for it but if you two date, you’ll always be reminded of what he did. You won’t trust him and you’ll just end up hating each other after.”

  Aimee looked up and held my eyes for a while.

  “You’re right,” she said nodding slowly. “Thanks. That helped.” She chewed on her sausage and smiled. “And besides, I’m with Caleb and he’s amazing.”

  “Sex with Caleb that good?” I asked stealing her words.

  She laughed and nodded. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I’m surprised we don’t get noise complaints.” I totally agree. But there are some people who really don’t give a shit and they moan for the whole building to hear. At least they’re having a good time. Can’t blame them. When it’s good you have to let it out.

  We finished eating when more people who look like they need more sleep (I would know) walked in. Aimee and I grabbed our plates and headed back upstairs to her room.

  Ever since the first time I came up here, she has kept it as clean as a girl’s room can be. There are some clothes on the floor and a bra hanging off the bed post but aside from that, it’s clean.

  I climbed on her bed as Aimee started getting her hair the way she wanted it. That’s when a small knock came from the bathroom door. The roommate. And she knocks.

  “Oh, you get to meet Aly. She usually spends every night at her boyfriend’s but they split recently so she came back,” Aimee said walking over to the bathroom.

  Aly.

  Seriously?

  Is this the world playing a joke on me?

  Her name better not be Alice or I’m going to die. Literally. I might pass out and never wake up again.

  Aimee opened the bathroom door and a tall caramel skinned girl with messy brown hair wearing pjs walked in. Her green eyes met mine and she smiled. And it was a genuine smile.

  “You must be Rebeckah,” she said. “Alyssa.”

  Oh, thank god.

  “Hi,” I waved.

  “So, what are you two doing?” she asked.

  “Oh, we just ate like little pigs and now we’re going to sulk in our misery as we think about the calories,” Aimee said smiling. “Did you just get up?”

  “Yeah,” Alyssa yawned. She glanced at me and then climbed on the bed too. “Me and my boyfriend broke up so I’ve been kind of avoiding people.”

  “Does he go here?” I asked.

  “God, no. Thank the lord,” Alyssa said rolling her eyes. “But he has a younger brother who is a freshman here so he’s still keeping tabs on me.” I furrowed my brows. “I broke up with him because I wasn’t feeling it anymore. He thinks it’s because I cheated. He’s trying to catch the imaginary asshole.”

  We all started laughing and then talked about boys. Alyssa was dead set on talking about some guy named Alex from New York who lives in Boston and actually comes to Northeastern. I wasn’t paying much attention to that because it feels like I’m back in Seattle, in my dorm with Alice. It’s comfortable doing this. I got to learn some more about Alyssa. She’s from New York (this is how she knows this mysterious guy, Alex Payne, who she’s never talked to but apparently everyone knows about because he’s filthy rich) and this is her last year. She’s doing four years, not five, to become a social worker.

  Helping kids.

  Like a nurse.

  Like Alice.

  “Are you from around here?” Alyssa asked.

  I blinked and found myself still in Aimee’s room. “Yeah, Revere,” I said. Thinking about the past hurts when I’m back in the present.

  “Why didn’t you request a dorm? Some people live in Boston but they got a dorm to get away from the family,” Alyssa said, eyes squinting.

  “I don’t want to get away from mine.” My family is my world. So why do you always think of killing yourself? You’re planning on leaving them. I blocked the voice out and grabbed my phone.

  Alyssa nodded, not judging.

  “Speaking of family. I should call them. Check in,” I said. Great, good way of saying you’re a twenty-one-year-old baby who still needs to check in with her family so they know you’re alive.

  I headed out of the room and walked down the hall a bit. When I got to the opening of the elevators, I leaned against a wall and slid down. Instead of calling, I texted.

  Everyone’s getting ready to head out while finishing up breakfast. Jacky and Remy are already heading to work and everyone seems happy.

  Why can’t I be happy?

  Like truly be happy?

  I crossed my arms over my knees and rested my head on them. It’s hard to want to be happy when your life sucks. But shouldn’t it be easy to be happy. I have to be happy to want to be happy.

  I closed my eyes and thought about Alice. Not about that night. About a different day. Freshman year when we were moving into the dorms. We just met at the p
arty at the lake and found out we’re roomies. The whole day we stalked each other online to make sure we know we can sleep comfortably and wake up alive in the morning. You never know. There are crazy people out there.

  Alice Williams. Born and raised in Seattle, Washington. Has a gay older brother, Toby, we were close until that night. Parents are Melissa and Dolton Williams. They are lawyers at Williams & Harris. Harris was Melissa’s last name before she took Dolton’s. They met in high school. Got married. Had Toby and Alice. And lived the perfect life anyone could wish for.

  But it wasn’t perfect. Alice hated being home. So did Toby. He went to Princeton for the main purpose of being away from the family because they don’t accept the fact that he’s gay. Alice stayed in Seattle because her parents were paying for school. It was either they pay for her education or she can become a stripper and make her own money. They seriously told her that.

  Alice didn’t want to have to be in debt so she said she’d stay. And then we met. And life became bearable.

  Then she got ripped away and I was left behind.

  “Hey,” Aimee’s voice said from somewhere. I looked up and found her leaning against the wall with a confused look on her face. “What happened?”

  “Nothing,” I said. “Tired.” Lie. Okay, half a lie.

  “You can take my bed. Maybe you should skip class today,” she said chewing on her lip. “I’ll bring you the notes.”

  “No, I’m fine,” I said standing up. “I’m going to walk for a bit. Get some fresh air.” I pressed the down button and wished for the elevator to hurry up.

  “Are you sure? Have you been sleeping?”

  I nodded. Lie.

  The doors opened and I stepped inside. I left Aimee with what I hope was a reassuring smile as the doors closed. I walked out of the building and paced back and forth as I tried to take deep breaths.

  What is happening?

  I feel like someone is squeezing my heart and their grip gets tighter with every breath I take. If I died right now, someone could get these useless organs. They don’t help me. They can help someone who actually wants them.

  I leaned against the railing of the stairs leading to the train station and closed my eyes. Blood. That’s the only thing I see. Blood and skin.