Don't Let Me Fall Read online

  “Are you okay?” some guy asked walking up the stairs who stopped mid-step to check on me.

  “I’m fine,” I panted. “Thanks.” Not fine. I feel like I’m going to collapse. My legs aren’t moving. I can’t move.

  He walked even closer and grabbed my arm as I swayed to the side. “You’re not fine. Sit down. I’ll get someone,” he said.

  I grabbed his hand and let it fall to his side.

  “I’m fine,” I said again. “Seriously.”

  The guy’s eyes went behind me and he seemed to relax a bit. “She needs help,” he said. Ugh! Why can’t he listen to me?!

  “I don’t. I’m–” I turned and stared, frozen, at Logan and Darren walking up to me. Shit.

  “Thanks, we got it,” Darren said to the kind stranger as Logan grabbed my shoulders.

  “Breathe,” Logan said softly, his eyes piercing through me like he’s trying to understand what is going on with me.

  I sank down onto the stairs and dug my fingers into my thighs. I’m trying to breathe but it’s not working.

  “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong,” Logan said squatting down and taking my hands in his. Darren sat down beside me and started rubbing my back in circles.

  I’m a twenty-one-year-old fucked up baby.

  “Rebeckah, tell me something,” Logan pleaded.

  Noise in the background faded as I looked up at him. I let the tears run down my cheeks because I can’t hold them in anymore.

  I used to be strong. Nothing could break me. Until it did. Everything just shattered and I was left behind. A tatted up body with an empty soul. I’m not living. I’m just…here.

  “She died…” I got out. “Because of me.”

  He has no idea what I’m talking about because I never talk about Alice but I had to get it out. I needed to say it. I needed to hear myself say it because it’s true. Everyone says it. I need to believe it.

  Right?

  It’s what happened. I need to accept it.

  - 10 -

  I screamed and dropped to my knees as my mind let in what was happening right in front of me. Alice is sitting up against the toilet, gagging, coughing up blood, holding her stomach as more blood gushes over her fingers.

  “Ohmygod, Alice!” I screamed, crawling over to her. “What happened? Alice, who did this?!” I pressed my hand into hers and put pressure on her stomach.

  Everything I knew or thought was wiped clean.

  I am blank.

  Nothing is registering.

  “He stole…” Alice tipped her head back and coughed, blood spraying my face. I reached for my phone and tried to dial 911 but my bloody fingers just got the phone slippery and unable to make a call.

  “Ali, hold on,” I cried. “Okay. I’m going to get help.”

  “No.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward her. “Don’t leave me,” she whispered while grabbing my hand, lacing our fingers together and then moving her finger over skin repeatedly. She’s drawing on me. I know she’s drawing a heart. We always draw imaginary hearts on each other to tell each other we love them in case we don’t have a chance to speak it.

  Stop drawing and stay with me!

  “Ali, you need help!” I snapped. “Someone help me!” I shouted. “Please! Someone!” I wiped my phone on my skin and got some blood off the screen. I wiped my hand on my arm and got my finger somewhat usable. I dialed 911 and tried to speak clearly but nothing worked. I was a mess. No words were coming out right. Then it did.

  “Miss, stay on the line. I’m sending an ambulance out now,” the male voice said through my phone.

  “Hold on, Ali. Okay, I’ll be right back.”

  I dropped my phone on the floor and ran out of the bathroom.

  “Someone help me!” I shouted.

  Some people at the bar saw the blood and they got up. Others started to panic when they saw how much blood was on me. My face. My knees. My hands.

  I ran back into the bathroom and grabbed a bunch of paper towels as I went back to Alice. When I ran into the stall, I slipped on blood and skidded forward. My elbow collided with Alice’s throat as I tried to put my hands up and break my fall. My eyes widened when Alice tipped her head forward and she started heaving.

  “No.” I felt around her throat and tried to relieve some pressure but it wasn’t working. “No, no, no, no. I’m sorry, Ali. I didn’t–”

  A guy from the bar came into the stall and took in the scene. “Jesus,” he said glancing at me.

  “Help her!” I shouted.

  What the fuck is he just staring at me for?!

  He bent down, more like stumbled, and stuck his fingers down her throat. My eyes couldn’t stop staring at Alice’s back as she leaned forward and vomited all the over the guy. Blood mixed with chucks of food went everywhere.

  But she didn’t make a sound after that.

  When more people came into the bathroom, the guy told me to help bring her out. The stall is too small and he needs space.

  We got Alice on her back on the bathroom floor and I went back to putting pressure on her stomach. That’s when I noticed her hands were lying at her sides. Not moving.

  “Alice.” I looked at her face. “Alice,” I said taking her face in my hands as the guy did things to her. “Alice, look at me!” I shook her lightly and slapped her cheek but her eyes were staring past my shoulder, looking at nothing. “Ali, please,” I sobbed leaning into her. “Please. Say something.” Please. “Say something!”

  The paramedics rushed in and so did the police.

  I was pulled out of the bathroom.

  Away from Alice.

  Away from my other half.

  “Is this yours?” a police officer asked minutes later, holding up my bloody phone with his gloved fingers. I nodded. Words can’t be formed at this point. Alice is dead. Gone. Never coming back. “Your father keeps calling,” he said in a soft tone.

  My phone.

  My eyes went wide as I thought about it.

  “Someone stole her phone,” I said. “Before I went to the bathroom, she texted me telling me to go to the car...” Wait. Kenneth was with her. In the bathroom. Where is he? “Ohmygod.”

  “What?” the police officer asked.

  “The guys we were with,” I said. “I think...they did this.” Not Jared. He was with me. “Kenneth. Alice came to the bathroom with Kenneth.”

  “Last name?” he asked reaching for his walkie talkie on his shoulder.

  “I don’t...I don’t know.”

  Recognition read in his eyes. He understands the situation. He sees the clothes Alice and I are wearing. We met up with strangers. Now look at where we are.

  “Tell me everything,” he said pulling me into a corner.

  So I did.

  The police found Alice’s phone in the parking lot, minutes later, smashed to pieces and wiped clean. The guys who did this knew what they were doing.

  I watched Alice’s body be taken away.

  There was nothing I could do except dig my fingers into my skin and wish it were me.

  If Kenneth did this then it could have happened to me.

  It should have happened to me.

  Dad wouldn’t stop calling so I finally answered when I was done talking to the police. When I thought my world couldn’t get any shitter, it did.

  Kelsey’s sick. And I need to come home.

  I pushed myself up and slipped away from Logan.

  “Rebeckah.” He grabbed my arm and turned me around. “Are you...” He doesn’t have to say it. No one has to say it.

  “No,” I said shrugging him off me. “I’m fine.”

  I’m not going to kill myself. I deserve to fucking live with this guilt I have for the rest of my life. I killed my best friend. Her parents told me. She would have lived if it wasn’t for the closed airway. She would have lived if I didn’t elbow her in the throat.

  I killed my best friend. And I deserve to live this miserable life and not take the easy way out. Alice didn’t have a ch
oice. She was ripped from this world. Ripped away from me.

  I walked away numbly and ended up at my first class.

  Darren and Aimee walked in but I barely glanced at them. I just slumped in my seat and hid inside of my sweater. Times like these are when I think about ending it. But right now all I can think about is when classes will be over and I can graduate.

  Seven more months.

  Seven more long miserable months.

  ***

  Days turned into weeks and I was slowly drifting away from everyone again. I wanted to be alone. Everyone else saw that as coming even closer. They didn’t care if that meant invading my privacy. They sat beside me, talked, touched me and took me places.

  I don’t understand why they do it. I’m like a zombie. Just leave me alone and find someone who’s worth the time.

  It’s Matty’s birthday today; November 20th. It’s also the busiest day of the week at the bar so I had to miss Matty’s party. I had to miss the large amount of people at home who are having fun.

  I was actually happy.

  I’m not in the mood to be around people.

  ***

  Sunday. I had an early shift at the bar so I got off at six. I hopped on a bus and went to the beach. I didn’t drive Dad’s car today because he needed to bring Kelsey to the hospital for some tests. They stayed longer so she can talk to Micha. His transplant went smooth last month so now he’s healing up at the hospital.

  It’s cold as shit out but I don’t care. I have a jacket on and I’m warm. That should be enough. I sat down on the concrete wall surrounding the beach and stared out at the ocean. No one is around. Obviously only crazy people are.

  Me.

  A hand holding a Hershey’s kiss popped out beside me some time later. My eyes trailed up the arm and landed on blue eyes.

  “This is stalking,” I mumbled.

  Logan smiled and sat down beside me. “I actually went to your house and Matthew told me you were here. Then he handed me this and said you’d understand.”

  I took the chocolate and popped it into my mouth.

  I had a bad night last night. I have a bad night every fucking night now. I just don’t tell anyone anymore. It’s not their problem. It’s mine.

  “If I said I planned something special for you, would you go?” Logan asked.

  “You’ll just drag me anyways,” I said staring at the sand. His hand slipped into mine and my eyes closed. Why is he doing this? Just leave me alone. Go find someone who will actually be there for you. Find someone who is alive.

  “If you don’t want to go, I won’t force you to.”

  A lump formed in my throat as I turned to look at him.

  “I’m so screwed up, Logan,” I said, trying not to crack. “No one deserves to be around this. Me. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you just let me go? Are we even together? Because for the last few weeks, I’ve been lost and confused and I don’t know what to call this. It’s...everything is just complicated.”

  “I don’t want to let you go,” Logan said pulling me into him so his chest is against my back. “Dammit, Rebeckah. Ever since the first day I met you, I didn’t want to let you go. There is something about you that I can’t have enough of. I need you.”

  No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t need me.

  “God, if you just want to have sex then have sex with someone,” I said. I really don’t care.

  “I don’t want to have sex with anyone else,” he said against my neck. “And I don’t just want you for sex. I don’t understand why you’re like this. Why do you push people away?”

  “Because I’m broken!” I said standing up. “I’m useless. Worthless. Damaged,” I cried. “Why would I bring people into that? I know I’m a bitch but I’m not that fucked up. I’m saving people from having to deal with me!”

  Logan stood up so I took a few steps back in the sand.

  “You are not broken, Rebeckah,” he said. “Or useless, worthless or damaged.” He took a step toward me. “You’re only human. Do you understand that?” He took one long stride and grabbed my arms. “You’re not a machine. You have to feel something. You have to feel something good. You think people will hate you if they knew the real you. Look at me. I know you. Some of you,” he said sliding his hand down to my wrist. “And I don’t hate you.” He laced our fingers together and the tears came out faster. “I want to get to know you. I want you to let me in.”

  “I’ll only disappoint you.”

  “No,” he said sliding a hand to the back of my neck. “You won’t.” He leaned in and hovered over my lips for a few seconds. He’s making sure this is fine. That I want this.

  I do.

  I really do.

  “I don’t deserve you,” I whispered against his lips.

  “Well you have me,” he said closing the distance.

  My body went up in flames as I fell into his arms. His mouth. His touch.

  I don’t ever want this to stop.

  I want to be happy.

  But I know in the back of my mind that I’m going to fuck this up. I will do something that will make him hate me. I can’t help it. I’m screwed up and I can only do so much good.

  “Where do you want me to go?” I asked pulling away from him. I don’t want to stop but if he keeps kissing me like that, we’ll get arrested for indecent exposure in public. I really don’t mind but there are kids that live around here. They don’t need to see that.

  “It’s a surprise,” Logan said caressing my cheek. “Only go if you want to go.” His eyes held mine, trying to see the truth behind them.

  “I want to go,” I whispered. I do…

  He smiled and my eyes fell to his lips. I can’t help it. His mouth is like a drug and I need to have my fix. I pulled him in for another kiss before we got into his car.

  “Just for the record, this is our first date,” Logan said glancing at me. The look on his face is telling me he wants November 22nd stored in a file for later use.

  “You remember all your other first dates?” I asked.

  Logan stared out at the road ahead of us for a few seconds. I thought he was going to pretend I didn’t ask the question but then he pushed a deep breath out and glanced at me.

  “I didn’t really date,” he said.

  My eyes found his and I got it. And I didn’t have a smartass comment or a judgmental one to say. Logan fucked. He didn’t do dates. He’s just like me.

  “I’m your first?” I asked, a small smile creeping on my lips.

  His lips turned up and his eyebrows shot up.

  “I wouldn’t say that. There were a lot–”

  I smacked his arm and sat up straight in my seat.

  “Don’t tell me there were a lot of girls on our first date. That messed things up. Do you want me to jump out and never talk to you again?” I asked.

  “No,” Logan said reaching for my hand, lacing our fingers together. “I don’t want you to leave.”

  I looked away as his eyes tried to hold mine. I can’t take the emotion running through them. It’s too much for someone like me to have.

  “You’ll be my first too...” I said chewing on my lip.

  Logan knows I’ve been with a lot of men before. Just one look at me and people can tell. Especially with my whole, ‘If I know your name, we’re not fucking’ thing. Whores do that. We have no standards.

  Then Logan pulled the oldest rule of first dates out.

  “My middle name is Hunter,” Logan said.

  I raised an eyebrow as I glanced at him. Hunter?

  “My mom’s brother died when he was twenty. His name was Hunter,” he said reading my mind.

  “Now I understand the stalking,” I teased.

  Logan laughed and went back to watching the road.

  “Are you going to keep me in the dark?” he asked a few seconds later when I didn’t say anything. “I didn’t think this was a one-sided conversation.”

  I drummed my fingers of the hand Logan isn’t cl
aiming on my thigh. Then I started picking at a loose thread on my sweater. It’s stupid but it feels weird to tell him my middle name. I don’t tell anyone what it is. Only a few people know. My family, Alice and Toby. And one of them can’t tell anyone. I’m not ashamed of my middle name, it’s just when I was younger, I loved it. Mom picked it. And that made it special to me. But then the divorce happened and she just flipped on me. She hates me.

  My middle name is a constant reminder that I fucked up her life by being born. That’s the way I see it.

  “Oh, come on,” Logan said squeezing my hand. “It can’t be that bad.”

  “It’s not.”

  “You just don’t want to tell me?”

  If I say no, I’ll sound like a bitch. I don’t want to sound like a bitch. This is our first date. I want this to be a good one. So I didn’t say anything. And Logan didn’t bring it up.

  He pulled into a parking lot packed with cars and screaming children running around everywhere.

  Oh. My. God.

  We’re at the carnival.

  Logan got out of the car and walked to my side to open my door.

  “You brought me to the carnival,” I said smiling.

  I fucking loved coming here when I was younger. I stopped coming to these things when I started college. Instead of riding the Ferris wheel and getting on rides, I was busy blowing guys and having sex with them.

  “Everyone has to let the little kid out of them at some point,” he said taking my hand again. I kind of love this. The hand holding. It’s weird but…sweet. “And I get to win you some prizes. Show off my skills.”

  I snorted. Um, yeah, I can’t believe that sound came out of me either. “Get me the biggest stuffed animal in this place and I’ll do whatever you want,” I said.

  “Deal,” Logan said without hesitation.

  I smiled because he thinks it’s going to happen. No one ever wins the biggest stuffed animal here. It’s kind of the only reason people come to this thing. They want that bear. And no one can ever beat the games to get it.

  ***

  Logan and I went on every ride, played every game, and spent way too much money on food for hours. The last stop was ‘The Golden Bear.’ And Logan was set on winning it for me. He tossed rings on bottles. He won a small monkey. He traded it in for the next game. He shot hoops. He won a banana. He traded it in and this went on for thirty more minutes.