Don't Let Me Fall Read online

  “A friend?” Jacky asked, hopeful.

  I shot her a look to stop talking then walked over to Kelsey’s bed. “So, did Micha come back?” She bit her bottom lip and pretended to ignore me. “Listen, kid, I have all day. We’re going to end up talking about him,” I said taking off my sweater. It wasn’t lost on me how silent the room got as I did. I only have a spaghetti strap tank top on so most of my tattoos are visible.

  Jacky hates seeing them. In her world, the body is something to take care of. People shouldn’t damage it by getting something permanent inked on them. Yeah, well…that is why she has her own body.

  I’m not those crazy kinds of tattoo people. My skin is still visible through most of the work I had done. My arms, legs and chest have the most of them. Some letters are on my fingers. K, M, J, J. For my siblings and my dad. Mom doesn’t have one. She gave up on us before I started college so she can suck a dick. (I’m pretty sure she’s doing that as I speak.)

  I’m like a walking canvas. Adding more tattoos will happen eventually. There’s just something about getting something added onto your skin. It’s like pictures only they have more meaning. I love them. They tell my story. There is at least one tattoo on every part of my body except my face, boobs, ass and vagina. Those are my don’t-even-think-of-touching-me-there-with-that-needle places.

  “You should show them off more often,” Kelsey said tracing a vine wrapping up around my arm. I got that one for Alice. She was always throwing herself off things. The first time we met we were at some random person’s lake house. I saw a crazy blond hanging off the thinnest rope I’ve ever seen in my life. She was getting her momentum to jump into the lake and in that moment I knew we’d connect. We also connected because when she got out of the water, she had blond hair dye running down her face and she flashed everyone who laughed at her. She was crazy. We both were.

  See, I’m the crazy girl. When I moved to Washington, I let myself have fun. I went wild. I wanted to be wild. So seeing the one and only other crazy person who would jump off that thin rope was going to be my new best friend. And she was. I also met her older brother, Toby, that day too. All three of us connected instantly.

  “And give people heart attacks?” I asked with a sad smile. “Jacky looks ready to pass out.” I wish she’d accept them because they’re…me.

  “I am not,” Jacky said talking to me like I’m a child.

  “You kind of do,” Remy said tilting his head.

  Jacky gave him another sharp look and that’s how we spent our time together. No boyfriends or friends talk made its way into the conversation except for Micha. He did come by before Jacky and Remy showed up. Dad came by earlier before work and said he’d try to come by later today but he couldn’t. Matthew had baseball practice and needed a ride.

  “Hey, Becka, can we talk?” Jacky asked grabbing her purse and standing up.

  No one ever likes to hear those words.

  So I know it’s not good.

  I stood up and glanced at Remy but he was avoiding my gaze. He instead dealt Kelsey cards and started to play a game of Asshole. My sister swears like a trucker because she grew up around us. It’s perfectly fine.

  I followed Jacky outside and crossed my arms over my chest when a cute male nurse walked by and did a double take of me. I would have said he checked out Jacky but he didn’t even glance at her. Those dark eyes were fully on me and only me. God, I wish I was invisible.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  She crossed and uncrossed her arms until she let them fall at her sides. “Did you talk to Dad lately?” she asked.

  “Uh…” I tried. Not really. I just knock on his door and when he doesn’t answer, I go to my room. I barely saw him this morning as I left for school so…

  “About Mom?” Jacky asked sounding serious.

  Mom? No.

  “What about her?” I asked.

  Jacky was quiet for a long time and since she’s never quiet, this is not good. Oh, shit. What’s happening now?!

  “Jacqueline,” I said. She hates when people call her that, who knows why, so that got her to look at me and start talking.

  “Mom wants to have custody of Kelsey.” I nodded. Okay, Mom and Dad share custody of both Matthew and Kelsey. “Sole custody. Like she wants Kels to move into her house with whatever his name is and live there.”

  “What?!” I said a little too loudly. “That’s not happening. Kels hates what’s his face.” I don’t even know his name. That’s how much he matters to me.

  “Yeah, Dad’s not having it,” Jacky said. “And he doesn’t want to tell Matty because well…Mom just wants Kels.”

  What a fucking bitch!

  “He turns eighteen in two months,” I said trying to defend my brother a bit. Maybe Mom doesn’t want him but I do. I love him even though we’re not that close.

  “Yeah…” Jacky said staring at the floor.

  We stayed quiet for a few seconds until I thought about it. “Wait, Mom wants custody. That means Kels is getting better?” I asked with a smile on my face. She’s going to be okay. Fuck, this is good news. I thought we wouldn’t know until a few more months.

  “No…Rebeckah…” Jacky’s voice broke and so did my heart. “If Kels doesn’t–” Please don’t say it, I begged with my eyes. “Kels is worth a lot.”

  And just like that, I snapped.

  I know Mom and Dad had life insurance policies put on us when we were born but once we turned eighteen, it stopped. We’re adults. Not children. Matt and Kelsey still have theirs. And Matt’s ends in two months.

  “I have to go,” I said on autopilot.

  I walked back into Kelsey’s room and grabbed my sweater. The way Remy is looking at me tells me he knows about this. I appreciate him being discreet.

  “Hey, I have to go. Homework,” I said kissing Kelsey on the cheek.

  “No, don’t go,” she said with big round puppy-dog eyes.

  “You told me to graduate. That involves doing homework,” I said. “I’m only doing what you want.” Her pout went away and she smiled.

  “Okay, come back soon.”

  “Always.”

  I gave Remy a goodbye hug because he’s basically already family, he just needs to marry my sister already. Jacky tried to plead with me to stay but I can’t. I have to talk to someone. And as much I don’t want to, I have to.

  I took the train and bus to my mom’s house which is thirty minutes from ours. Once I rang the doorbell and didn’t get an answer, I banged on the door like a mad woman.

  The boyfriend answered…only in a towel. I think its gross how he’s around Jacky’s age. Mom should be disgusted that she’s fucking someone who could be her son.

  “Is Diana here?” I asked, annoyed. Mom doesn’t get the luxury of being called Mom to her face. She left so so does the right to the name.

  “She’s in bed.”

  “Robert?” I asked. I know it’s an R name.

  “Roger,” he said leaning against the doorjamb.

  “Right, Roger. Tell Diana that she’s not getting custody. We both know you don’t want a kid around. She’ll listen to you. She kind of doesn’t have a mind of her own. Can you do that for me?” I asked, disgusted as I noticed he was checking me out. The asshole had the audacity to stare at my body as I talked. And it’s not lost on me how he’s twitching under his towel. “Hello. Robert?!” I said snapping my fingers.

  “Roger,” he said holding my eyes with his stupid dark blue ones.

  “Whatever. Tell her,” I said turning my back to him.

  I didn’t look back because I have a feeling he is staring at my ass as I walk away and I don’t want to have to be the person that goes to jail for breaking his face.

  I hopped on the bus and headed home.

  Dad was in the kitchen looking through bills and I noticed some past due ones. I asked if everything was fine and he just stacked them all together and said ‘yes.’ He can bullshit me all he wants but I know it’s not okay.

 
; “Dad, Mom won’t keep her,” I said hugging him around the neck as he was still sitting down. He touched my arm and nodded.

  “I hope not. I want all my kids together,” he said. I heard the hurt in his voice. We mean the world to him and losing one of us is going to kill him.

  “I love you,” I said, tightening my arms around him.

  “You too, Birdie.”

  I smiled as I kissed him goodnight. Dad still kind of doesn’t approve all the tattoos but ever since he saw the one on my neck, he hasn’t stopped calling me Birdie.

  You were born to fly, Becka. Don’t let anyone stop you.

  I remember Dad telling me that every night as he tucked me into bed. I believed him. Until I tried to fly and it didn’t work. Someone stopped me.

  I’m a wounded bird that hasn’t tried to get back up yet.

  I headed up to Matty’s room and found him lying in bed, on his phone. Times like this is when I wish Jacky and Remy didn’t have an apartment together five minutes away. I wish our family lived under the same roof. Not five minutes away and in a hospital.

  “Hey,” I said tapping on Matty’s door. “Have five minutes for your sister?” He raised an eyebrow at me and put his phone down.

  “Well, Finn would kick my ass if I tell you to fuck off but he’ll kick my ass if I leave him hanging,” Matthew said with his palms up, weighing his options.

  I walked into his room with a smile on my face.

  “I have an idea,” I said. “Push over.”

  I don’t hate Finn but he gets annoying. I guess just for tonight, I can let the flirting slide. I grabbed Matthew’s phone and video chatted Finn. His brown eyes were the size of saucers when he saw it was me then he collected himself after spurting soda everywhere so we spent the next half hour talking about school and girls. I know I’m not the only girl Finn thinks about so hearing about a girl he wants to ask out was a relief. And I heard about a girl that has been trying to get Matthew’s attention but he doesn’t pursue it.

  I just have to kick his ass and he will.

  “Goodnight, the love of my life,” Finn said sending me a wink. I rolled my eyes and handed Matty the phone.

  “I think he’s talking to you,” I said. “’night, Matty.”

  “Night, Becky,” he said sticking his tongue out at me.

  God, he just had to bring the Y in there. All of our nicknames end in ‘Y’ for some reason. It’s ridiculous. Our parents couldn’t pick any other names for us.

  I went into my room and changed into pj’s then climbed into bed and was just thinking of something good when my phone buzzed. I reached over and saw I have a text from some number not stored in my contacts. Hey, stalker here. Don’t ask how I got this. Aimee wants to know if you’re available???

  Oh. My. God.

  I’m not. I replied. How the fuck did Logan get my number. Obviously it’s Logan because who else would mention Aimee? I only know that one. And her fucking brother is now labeled a fucking stalker.

  I turned my phone off and closed my eyes. I’m not in the mood for him right now. I’m not in the mood for him, period.

  I tried thinking of something good to dream about but I couldn’t. The only thing that popped into my head was that night. The night I lost Alice.

  I know I shouldn’t think about it. It’s not good for me if I do. I still need time. A lot of time. But I can’t stop it. It’s unfolding in my mind like a dropped roll of paper towels and the only way to clean it up is to grab it and put it back together.

  That’s what I’m doing.

  I’m trying to roll it back into the box it should stay in.

  “Double date, bitch,” Alice said handing me a plum mini dress before she walked over to her bed. “And they’re fucking hot.”

  I rolled my eyes as I let my foot jerk up and down from resting on my knee while I play with my teddy bear. I named her Ally-bear because Al got her for me freshman year and I couldn’t give her up over the years. “We did this last week and the sex wasn’t even that good,” I said. I just laid there and faked it for the whole five minutes.

  “Trust me. The sex will be amazing. These guys are twenty-four. That’s the perfect age,” she said winking at me.

  I laughed and sat up on my elbows. Our dorm room is small but it’s perfect for us. Alice is on one side, me on the other. Our desks are pushed side by side because when they were back to back, we didn’t get any work done. We would always turn around and end up talking about parties to crash. At least now, we just glance sideways and we know what the other is thinking.

  “Ali, just because they’re twenty-four, doesn’t mean they’ll have a huge cock,” I deadpanned.

  Alice threw a purple skittle at me while saying, “Don’t jinx it. I need to get fucked hard and a little four incher isn’t going to satisfy me.”

  I agree to that.

  “Name?” I asked.

  “Uh, you have Jared and I have Kenneth. I think. I don’t know. You get the shorter one,” she said, winking.

  “You don’t know their names?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

  “I just met them.” What? “Names weren’t important when I tried to see what they’re packing.”

  “This is going to be a disaster,” I sighed.

  “Just get dressed. We’re meeting them in an hour.” Alice stripped naked and pulled on a tight navy blue mini dress. “Do you want the dorm? I can go back to his place.”

  “Uh, I’m not bringing a stranger here. I’ll just fuck him in the alley or his car or something,” I said. Yeah, I’m classy. And horny.

  Alice laughed and started doing her hair.

  “I was thinking the bathroom. We’re going to a noisy restaurant so no one would hear a thing,” she said, shaking her ass at me.

  I got out of bed and started getting ready.

  “Babe, we’re taking a taxi,” Alice called out as I reached for her car keys. “I want to drink tonight.”

  “We have class tomorrow so don’t over do it,” I said rolling my eyes. I can tell tonight is going to be a rough one. Alice is the worst drunk.

  “Sure, Mom,” Alice said grabbing her wallet.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, eyeing her Louis Vuitton wallet. Her very expensive Louis Vuitton wallet that her parents got for her nineteenth birthday. “We’re going to a dump. Don’t bring that.”

  “What? I want to look classy,” she said, pouting.

  “You’re going to get us mugged.”

  “We’ll have two strong men protecting us,” she said in her seductive voice. It’s pointless talking to her when she does that so I sighed and shut my mouth.

  The taxi was waiting outside when we got downstairs.

  We climbed in and I patiently waited (not my lady parts) to meet these guys.

  My eyes shot open and I sat up in bed, gasping for air.

  No, I can’t think about it.

  Stop it!

  Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it.

  - 4 -

  I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning so I’m trying not to get involved in people’s conversations. Aimee kind of picked up on it so she was quiet with me for a bit but when classes were over and we headed to grab a quick lunch, Logan showed up and started asking way too many questions about my neck tattoo.

  I don’t fucking know the guy so I don’t feel the need to explain why I got it. And I tried to brush him off but he kept talking. It’s like he’s high on caffeine or drugs because he won’t shut the fuck up!

  Aimee headed to the bathroom so my hand grabbed his arm and I squeezed without thinking. “Shut up!” I snapped. “Jesus. Your voice is fucking killing me.” That’s an understatement.

  He looked at me like I was a different person. Yeah. Finally he sees that I’m not in the mood to listen to his bullshit. “Whoa, chill,” he said taking my hand off his arm. “Just because you’re on your period doesn’t mean I’m the scratching post.” Ugh!

  I am not on my period. I’m a ragin
g bitch when I’m on it. This is nothing compared to what is to come in a few days!

  “Do you need to get laid? Some guys are into that. I personally can’t do it. The blood is a turn off,” Logan said leaning back into the chair, his eyes dropping to my ass. “But there are alternative ways if you need help.”

  I grabbed my coffee and purse, and just walked away.

  I’m not in the fucking mood for–

  No, actually I am.

  I’m in the mood to fuck someone. It’s been a long time and I just need to fucking let go. Let go of what’s happening, what happened and what’s going to happen. I need to fucking forget for a bit.

  So I bumped into someone.

  And I straight up asked him if he wanted to have sex.

  That’s how I ended up at his dorm.

  I barely remember it but I know it was good.

  Afterwards, I went to see Kelsey and I was pissed because I left my panties behind. I would. I got dressed way too quick because it was getting late.

  When Kelsey fell asleep, I headed home and went to bed.

  I wasn’t in the mood to do anything.

  Not anymore.

  ***

  I don’t even know how I went to class today. I must have been on autopilot. My laptop has notes and Microsoft Word has an open document with a writing assignment on it. I did that. I don’t know how.

  Kelsey can’t have visitors today because she’s getting a test done so that’s how I’m sitting here, in International Village’s dining hall, with Aimee, Logan and some girl Logan picked up. She’s the kind of girl that links her arm through Logan’s for attention.

  It’s pathetic.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw jeaned legs stop at the table we’re at. I looked up and the guy I had sex with yesterday was there.

  “You left these at my place,” he said taking something out of his back pocket. When he dropped it on the table, I smiled. I fucking smiled.

  Then he walked away.